Undercover grandpa opening song12/18/2023 Instead, listen to: “Il Est Né, Le Divin Enfant,” Siouxsie and the Banshees. It has 26 lines and 14 of them are variations of “pah,” “rum,” or “pum.” This reminds me of an old saying I just made up, “Give a child a drum on Christmas morning, you’ll be drinking by Christmas noon.” Instead, listen to: “The Friendly Beasts,” by Sufjan Stevens, a traditional carol about the gifts the animals gave Baby Jesus, not a girl who wants a dang hippo.Ħ) The Little Drummer Boy: There are so many versions of this and the only one mildly tolerable is the one where David Bowie pops ’round Bing Crosby’s place for a Christmas song. It’s a jaunty ’50s pop song but dear li’l Gayla’s voice is oddly grown-up for a kid so it all seems a bit disturbing. Instead, listen to: “Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis,” by Tom Waits, is your better haven’t-seen-you-in-a-long-time holiday classic.ħ) “I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas” by Gayla Peevey: Another kid-sung novelty number, this one from 1953 by 10-year-old Gayla Peevey who - did you guess it? - wants a hippopotamus for Christmas. Instead of wishing each other a Merry Christmas and going on their way, they decide to go for a drink, find all the bars closed - because people are home with their families! - and buy a six-pack, which they polish off in the car and then drive home. She’s married he’s a successful musician. Hankey, the Christmas Poo,” from the TV series “South Park,” because if you’re going to listen to a bad song from an animated show, don’t mess around.Ĩ) “Same Old Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg: The singer runs into his old high school flame at the supermarket on Christmas Eve, which makes this probably the only holiday song with a protagonist stalking someone in the frozen food section. That said, I do still have the “Chipmunk Punk” album my parents gave me for Christmas 1980, and you have not lived until you’ve heard their version of “My Sharona.” But most of them who like this song liked it when they were 7 and grew out of it. Instead, listen to: “Joel the Lump of Coal,” by the Killers, which tells the story of Joel, a lump with feelings, and his journey to a naughty little boy.ĩ) “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)” by Alvin and the Chipmunks: Sure, a lot of people do like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Gordon has had a long and accomplished career - president of the Screen Actors Guild, the role of rabbi on Larry David’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm” - so clearly he’s got somethin’ going for him. He sings about all the bad things he did and the snitches who ratted him out and by the time its two-and-a-half minutes is over you’re fully in favor of the kid getting nothing. Instead, listen to: “Underneath the Mistletoe” by Sia is a better choice for a kissing-under-a-parasitic-plant holiday love song.ġ0) “Nuttin’ For Christmas,” Barry Gordon: There’s a subset of bad Christmas songs that feature annoying kids singing insipid songs - you’ll find another one further down the list - and this 1955 ditty by a then-6-year-old Gordon was both a Top 10 hit and an eternally grating tune. Instead, listen to: “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home” by Darlene Love, a truly great longing-for-love holiday song. Plenty of fine, racy holiday songs exist, but not many that endorse adding a mistress to your missus. It starts off wrong and gets worse from there. “Baby,” though, is kid’s stuff compared to this 1990 track from the Aussie hard rockers. So let’s open the little doors on our Worst Holiday Songs advent calendar and see what’s inside, starting with …ġ2) “Mistress For Christmas,” AC/DC: Some people don’t like “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” for its out-of-date sentiments about male-female relations. And after conducting a highly unscientific study using YouTube and a focus group of friends, the results are in: These are the worst.īut because it’s the holidays, we also suggest some much better alternatives to listen to instead. This is a chronicle of the bad holiday songs that we - by which I mean, me - despise the most. This is not a story about good songs like those. Nat King Cole singing “The Christmas Song,” Bing Crosby’s hit with “I’ll Be Home For Christmas (If Only In My Dreams).” Or maybe something a bit peppier such as Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree,” or Mariah Carey and “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” There are wonderful holiday songs, of course. Holiday music is the best … except when it’s the worst.
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